Metamorphosis of two
by LAIsobel
Summary: Set after Metamorphosis. Jack and Sam ship of course. Short but devided into few chapters to keep you hanging there for a minute. Rating to be sure - emotional trauma.
1. Chapter 1

**Metamorphosis of two  
**

AN – so here we are. Another shot at something I've been missing. I've had a rough day and need a bit of romance in my life. Well pregnancy hormones... ;o)

I wanted to set this into metamorphosis but as I don't have a chance to rewatch the ep now, let's stick to 'after' :o)

* * *

Sam didn't know how much time had passed. She was on her couch, week after coming back through the Gate. When Janet did all possible tests and gave her clean bill of health, Sam went home. Alone. Was it this morning? She couldn't tell. Things were in a blur.

She looked around and took in her surroundings. Everything seemed normal. She looked at her hands, and again, all normal. She took several showers and would probably take some more to take a look at her body – but so far everything was as it used to be.

She was okay. Rationally she knew. But her nightmares tried to tell her different version. In some of them she died in the machine. In others she turned into a puddle of water. The details would vary one nightmare to another. Still she would wake up and check herself in a mirror.

Sam knew she should probably go and see a shrink. And she would have to if she wanted to be cleared for active duty. But firstly she needed to deal with it herself.

This whole mission was a mess. Well Jonas did a good job, if it weren't for him...

But she failed. She failed them all. In that damn room she should have been more careful. She shouldn't have let Nirrti shoot her. Such a stupid mistake!

The machine... she was fascinated by it. She wanted to study it. She wanted to understand it. And then when she was put through it? She wanted to take Teal'c's stuff weapon and shoot it! Okay so that wouldn't be fair to the locals, they deserved their chance to heal and destroy the machine any way they wanted to.

She cuddled a huge pillow to her chest and tugged her feet under her. There was something else on her mind. Something that was even worse for her than the whole DNA changing experience. Thinking she was about to die, she gave in. She let herself feel what she worked on so hard to keep buried.

The only consolation she could find back then back there was her companion in the cell. Jack O'Neill. If she was to die in somebody's arms there was no better person. She knew it would haunt him like another death he would never forgive himself for but in all that shit she was in she allowed herself to be a bit selfish. She felt grateful that she could die in Jack arms.

She wasn't sure what exactly she had told him in her delirious state. Did she call him Jack? Did she say she was sorry? Did she tell him how deeply she cared? Did she hold his hand? Did she allow herself to cry? Did she ask him not to leave her? Did she ask for forgiveness? Did she tell him she love him? She didn't know.

When he took her into his arms and took her up to the machine room, she held him for dear life, she cried into his shirt, she asked him not to let her die alone. And he? He told her to hold on, he told her not to leave him, he asked her to forgive him and just when she thought she was about to die he kissed her into her hair and whispered something she didn't catch.

Sam wasn't sure she could cope with all this.

They've been in these situations before. They had to face their emotions and deepest secrets and then move on pretending nothing happened. But this time it all felt different. Something changed. Maybe it was just too much, she reached the point where she couldn't keep going anymore.

Losing Daniel, almost losing Jack, then again in Ba'al's prison, then this. Maybe, just maybe, she couldn't handle it anymore. And thinking back to the previous years... she was done. This was it.

Sam cried herself to sleep that night.

Little she knew she wasn't the only one in the middle of emotional turmoil.

Jack O'Neill was a strong man. He knew that. He was tough and after everything he had lived through he would say he would deal with everything. But there was one thing he couldn't live with.

Losing Carter.

After everything he lived through, after everything they all witnessed and survived going through the gate, he thought he would and could deal with everything and anything. Losing Daniel was difficult but he had someone he could hold onto. Sam.

Losing Sam? That was not an option.

And suddenly she was about to die in his arms. How the hell did that happen?!

All those times before this something could have been done. But this time he was truly helpless. He watched her suffer and there was nothing he could do. He offered her all he could, his arms, his support – and in the end – his love. He confessed his feelings, he told her he loved her and begged her to fight it, to stay with him, not to leave him.

And before he had a chance to re-think it, he kissed her. First just into her hair but then he kissed her onto the lips, he kissed her and knew the kiss would haunt him for the rest of his life because she would either die and it would be the last kiss they should share or she would survive and they would be back to the status quo they both hated so much but learned how to live with and there would be no other kiss.

There was nothing he wanted more than being allowed – and being able – to kiss her every day for the rest of his life.

And suddenly she was healed and out of reach again. And he knew it. There was no easy way how to go back to status quo this time. Not this time.

On their way from the temple Sam almost fainted. And he was right next to her so he took her into his arms. She held him, head buried into his neck. She let him carry her. Nobody said a word. They just needed the extra time to adjust. Those few extra moments of skin to skin contact, no words needed or allowed.

In front of the Gate Jack put her down. Should Janet see her being carried she wouldn't let her leave the infirmary in ages. Sam walked through the Gate by Jonas's side.

Jack stopped by the infirmary to check upon her but she was asleep. He stayed for a few hours but then in the sake of his own mind and heart he left. He gave his report and asked for some downtime for his team which he got easily.

And now it was a week – whole week – after almost losing her. She could have died in his arms. Like he could have died in hers many times over. Life wasn't fair.

Jack did a lot of thinking and realized one thing. No job was worth this. Not even this job. There were others that could save the planet or the galaxy, there were younger and better people for the job. He had lost and sacrificed too much. And he almost lost everything. And that was more than he could bear.

There was just one question left to answer and he couldn't answer it himself.

He had few hours till sunrise and few more till it was okay for him to drop by with hot chocolate and cookies and few pieces of apple-almond pie. He couldn't actually believe he was about to do this though. He should be away at his cabin building walls around his heart so he could keep her away. Like usually. But something in him died back on that planet and something awoke. And he didn't care about what he should do anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for reviews and PMs. And hopefully you will forgive me for more angst._

* * *

When the morning finally came, he gathered both his courage and breakfast and drove over to Sam's house. It was Saturday and the streets were surprisingly empty. He parked his car just behind hers. Well she was at home, which was good. He didn't want to call but perhaps he should have.

He walked to the front door and noticed one of her windows being opened. He knocked. And nothing. He rang the bell. And still no answer. He gave her time, he was early, she was probably just asleep. When ten minutes passed he was beginning to get worried. He walked around the house and found one more window open. He called her name, he knocked and still nothing. He tried calling her cell but there was no answer. He tried the door – and it wasn't locked.

Now he was in full alert. His mind was working in speed of light. What happened? A relapse? Somebody got in and hurt her? He didn't know. Automatically he reached for his weapon – only to realize that here on Earth he didn't carry one. He slowly walked inside to her house and called her name again. And again. And still nothing.

He walked through the house and was glad to see that things seemed to be in order. So it wasn't a robbery. But still something must have happened to her. The last room to check was her bedroom. He knocked and called her name and nothing.

So he entered and saw her in her bed, not moving.

"Sam!" He almost yelled and ran to her. He sat down next to her and with a sick feeling in his stomach checked her pulse. He started to pray. It was there.

He tried to wake her up and slowly she opened her eyes. Jack felt like a fool but oh so happy she was okay.

"Sir?"

"Hey Carter, good morning." He said softly still not trusting his voice fully.

"What are you doing here?" She said instead of the regular 'morning' and her voice wasn't exactly happy. Ouch. She wasn't happy to see him. His posture changed.

"Well I was worried about you. You weren't picking up your phone and there was no answer at the door..."

"So you automatically assumed I was in trouble and let yourself in into my bedroom?" She asked more sharply than he would have thought she would.

"Yes and I see I was wrong. I am sorry Carter." He was equally angry now but still didn't want to be mad at her.

"Okay so now you know I am okay so you can leave again."

"Carter..." He tried but she cut him off.

"I don't need you to save me. Go." And sat up in her bed. Did she know she said one of the few things that could hurt him? Perhaps. Did she intend on hurting him? Or was she hurting instead? Jack stood up and took few steps away from her.

"I never said you needed saving, Carter."

"And yet here you are!" She almost yelled at him, fire in her eyes.

"Yes! Because I was worried!" He 'yelled' equally back at her, his own eyes deep with anger and something else Sam couldn't decipher just yet.

"What is the problem, Carter?"

"What is the problem? The problem is you're overstepping your precious line right now!" And now she was yelling all right.

"What?!" He couldn't believe it.

"You can't be doing this, Sir. You have no right."

"Carter..." He slowly and softly warned her.

"What do you want from me?" She asked instead, calmer but still not as friendly as he would like her to. There was cold sharp edge in her voice.

"Nothing, Sam. I was just worried." He replied and saw the change in her. Finally she understood. And she was hurting.

"Well I am fine. I just didn't get much sleep." She said coldly.

"Nightmares?" He asked her. She nodded. "Sam after what you've been through I'd be surprised otherwise."

"No, you don't get it..." She said, finally looking at him.

"You think I don't?" He asked back not really believing she would think that. "You either dream about dying out there in cold or in some horrible way... or you dream about losing someone. About being helpless, about watching them suffer and cry in pain, about letting them die." He said, opening up his soul the best he could. Not really realizing his voice was giving away his level of emotions. He was upset. A lot.

"You think you're the only one having these nightmares, Carter? Well, you're not! I do have them too! And they are way worse than those about my own death." He said. "So when you weren't answering the door or your phone I let myself in, worried something had happened to you. And I saw you lying here motionless not responding to anything and I thought..." He was calmer now, anger gone.

"You thought...?" She asked him.

"Damn Sam I thought you were dead and one of my worst nightmares just came to life!" He said and couldn't control himself anymore.

Sam was calmer now, understanding more and more. She felt horrible though. "Jack..."

"My worst nightmares are about losing you, Sam." He confessed to her and she felt tears in her eyes. He didn't even correct her when she used his given name. God it sounded heavenly. And sort of sinful.

"And the last week? You died in my arms every night and there was not a single thing I could do to save you. I failed you every damn night." And he didn't care how stupid that sounded and how weak it made him look.

"We've been in such situations before..."

"No. This was the first time where I was totally helpless. All those times before there was something I could at least try to do to save you. But not this time."

Sam started to cry. Hell it's been just few hours since she stopped. She saw the pain in his eyes and it was too much.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why does it matter so much to you?"

"You know why."

"I need to hear it..." She said and the plea in her eyes would make him do anything and everything.

"Because I love you." He replied, deciding he had nothing to lose, and she started to cry even harder.

"Sam..." He almost whispered... and before he could think about it he got up and went to her and gathered her into his arms. And so she cried into his shirt and held onto him for dear life. And so he let himself cry as well, not really caring about consequences. He needed this. And apparently so did she.

They ended up tangled in each other's arms on her bed, just trying to regain their composure. But it was difficult, they were tired and emotionally drained. Vulnerable.


	3. Chapter 3

_And because I just couldn't stop writing... taadaaaa!_

* * *

"Sir?"

"Jack."

"Really?"

"Really. I thought you knew my name..." He joked and she actually smiled.

"Jack."

"That's better. What was it?"

"Why did you really come?"

"I brought breakfast."

"Oh!" And she sounded thrilled. They both knew they couldn't talk serious right then so a little distraction was good.

"Yeah, hot chocolate, well cold chocolate now, some pastry and apple-almond pie..."

"Hmmm... that sounds good." She almost purred. She turned in his arms and so they were fully facing each other.

"Get dressed and I'll reheat the chocolate... or just go to buy another one."

"No, don't go. We can make new hot chocolate, there is plenty in the kitchen." She said and saw him smile that brilliant smile of his. She just let him into one of her womanly secrets.

And so they got up, Jack disappeared, Sam took a shower and changed into something comfortable. She still felt drained but she could also feel the healing process had just begun.

She walked into her living room just to find him sitting on the couch with breakfast served on the coffee table. He seemed to be nervous. When he noticed her he got up and looked at her sheepishly. She came closer and with a smile sat down.

And there it was. The awkward silent moment of not knowing what to do or what to say. Should she go back to his confession? Or not? Damn this! She was so tired of this all. She didn't like it one bit.

"Jack?" Yeah, that felt nice.

"Yeah?"

"I am glad you came for a visit."

"Me too, Sam, me too." He replied and with a smile handed her the cup with hot chocolate.

And so they enjoyed their breakfast.

Afterwards Jack insisted on taking dirty dishes and trash to the kitchen. Sam made herself comfortable on the couch and waited for him. And noticed him being nervous.

"Do you have any plans?" She asked him.

"No, not really. I..."

"Can you stay? We could watch a movie or something." She offered before he could come up with some excuse to leave. She didn't want him to leave.

Little she knew he was just trying to find a reasonable way how to tell her he wanted to stay there with her whole day. So her offer was just the thing he needed.

"That sounds great, Carter." He beamed at her. And she didn't even correct him calling her Carter – a long time ago she noticed he could say her name in several different ways and only some of them were military. This time it was his personal term of endearment and she enjoyed the warmth in his voice.

Sam showed him to her DVD collection and picked several movies, black and white movies, action movies, romance, there was a piece of everything. Actually he wasn't really paying attention to his choosing. And Sam didn't mind one bit. She doubted she'd be able to focus anyway. There was too much on her mind and with him being here she wasn't sure she could just keep on pretending. So maybe today she'd have her answers and solutions. Maybe today would be the day. THE day.

Jack was thinking and thinking and thinking and didn't know how to tell her what he really needed to tell her so he just inserted one of the DVD's and sat down next to Sam. She didn't hesitate and made herself comfortable against his side. And in a moment Jack moved his arm around her to press her even closer. She sighed and relaxed.

Oh so they were both on the same page here.

The only shock came when the movie on the screen started. It was pure classical romance. Troubles... It made him think. Okay so he told her he loved her. And she was not coming back to it. Well... oh damn he hated this!

Slowly Sam felt herself getting tired. She didn't get much sleep during the night and now, warm and comfortable in Jack's arms she could just close her eyes and fall asleep. She refused to think about anything.

"Sam..."

"Yes?"

"Just sleep..." He said and moved a bit on the couch so she would be even more comfortable lying partially on him. He took the afghan from the back of her couch and covered her with it.

"Don't go." She said before her eyes fell shut.

"Never." He said then, turned off the TV and spent the next hour enjoying the pure existence of the woman in his arms. He played with her hair, caressed her face, held her hand, he was just happy and content and not willing to break the spell of those moments.

He was going soft! He was too old...

Soon he felt her waking up but she wasn't eager to move.

"Sam..." He said.

"I can't." She replied, eyes wide open and yet not looking at him.

"You can't what?"

"I can't do this anymore." She confessed and looked up at him.

"By this you mean exactly what?" He asked, still trying to follow.

"I mean the job." She clarified. "A week ago I was sure I was about to die. And it's just too much."

"So you're worried you're going to die out there... It's just the traumatic experience you know..."

"No, I'm worried I'm losing myself. I'm worried I'm going to die without really knowing how it would be... "

"How would what be, Carter?" He asked, getting an idea where she was going with it but not trusting his instincts anymore.

She didn't answer. And he cupped her face and looked at her.

"Carter, the reason I came to visit this morning is that I missed like you hell. I wanted – and I needed to see you and to make sure you're okay. And you know why? Because a week ago you almost died in my arms and the only thing I could do was to kiss you goodbye. And let me tell you that I don't want to experience that ever again."

"Oh." She said. And he realized how it sounded.

"No! I mean – I don't want to be in that situation again, Carter. I came here to tell you I'm done with the SGC and saving the world."

He confessed. He knew what he needed and desperately wanted to do but he gave her time to turn away – which she didn't.

So he kissed her. And she kissed him back.

And in one moment it all came back to her. So when they parted she smiled at him.

"You did kiss me on the lips..."

"Yes. And I was scared to death it was the last time I could do so."

"And you told me you loved me back there on the planet." She whispered softly, looking in his warm chocolate eyes glistering with unshed tears.

"Yes. And I told you so again just few hours ago."

"Jack..."

"Look, I'm not asking you to..."

"Shhh... "

"Carter."

"No. I do too." She said and it took him a moment before it sank in. He smiled.

"I am really glad to hear that." He joked but couldn't even describe how his heart was about to burst out of his chest. Samantha Carter loved him and said so! "And I was about to say that I am not asking you to drop your career and the job at the SGC or anything. I can go and be happy as retired man. Well when it's you coming home to me."

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"How so?"

"Because as I said I am done. No more sacrifices. I've lost too much. I almost lost you and more than once. We lost Daniel... It's time to move on. I might be willing to help as a civilian should they want me to but that's about it."

"Sam..."

"You came here to tell me you want to leave, right?"

"Yes, that's right. I think I've done my service..."

"And you think it's different for me?"

"I think you can still have amazing career." He said softly.

"And I am grateful for that. But I made up my mind and I am sure it's the right thing to do. I want to quit and finally get the chance to have a life. With you hopefully." Jack was looking at her with something strange in his eyes.

"You think they won't let me go." She said matter-of-factly.

"I think they won't be happy and will try all in their powers to keep you. But they don't know how stubborn you are." He replied and smiled at her.

"So..."

"So..."

"Are we really going to do this?"

"I am in if you are, Carter." Jack said and gave her yet another chance to back away. Instead she moved closer and smiled like the cat that ate all the cream from the fridge.

"Good." She said and kissed him. Oh it was addictive all right.

They would figure out the plan later. This was just about the two of them. The last mission changed them and they were finally on the same page at the same time, willing to try to have a life. Together.


End file.
